Monday, March 23, 2009
Long time since you all have heard from me....actually what prompted this was a very nice lady who left me a message wanting to know how things are going for me...so here is an update on me.
The Mike situation for now is over.....he is no longer talking to me because he wants more and I don't at this point. I feel bad because I feel as though he ruined his marriage for me. I know I should NOT feel that way because I didn't even know he was married in the beginning, he was seeing me quite a bit and then things started to seem funny when he was pushing me to see other people.....I questioned why was he doing this and then I found out the truth, that he was in a very unhappy marriage and was not sure what he wanted to do and he didn't want me waiting around for the possibility of nothing....so with him pushing me and pushing me I took his advice and finally went to meet John.
Well, it was with me meeting John that he finally decided weeks later what he wanted. He wanted me but he wants the whole package, the dating, the romace with it ending with marriage. I said I can't give you that....you are way rushing things here with me. I need time to just have fun and heal, I'm coming out of a 16 year relationship where my husband told me 8 years ago he was BI and that ending with honey, I'm gay and I want a divorce. My marriage was NOT an easy one but it was mine and I wanted to save it so I worked my freaking butt off to save something that was un-salvageable. At least I can say I tried my hardest, I was 100% faithful to him the whole time while I fought and fought to keep us together.
I told Mike, you can't come out of my realtionship and just walk right back into a marriage. I need time and time he would not give me.....he wanted an answer now. Here's the thing, he would tell me if I can't have you, then I want my wife.....OK, I said so you are settling then.....he is NOT at all happy, living in a sexless marriage, but because he can't have option A, then he will settle for option B all because he doesn't want to spend one night alone.....well, this is just divorce.....build a bridge and get over it....it happens, you could get divorced and be alone for 5 years before you find the right one.....so we have had some pretty heated e-mail arguments and it finally came down to him telling me that he could never be freinds with me because he will always want more and I can't give him that.
He is very jealous of John...doesn't like him at all and he doesn't know him.....he is upset because John doesn't call me everyday, John doesn't see me everyday or text me everyday.
Well, to be honest John is very busy.....he is working through his residency at the hospital and they keep some crazy hours....he thinks that is insane and that John isn't making the effort for the relationship and said I will more then likely get hurt.
John calls me when he can.....we average seeing each other once a week to "maybe" twice a week if scheduling permits. I'm the ONLY one John is seeing and vice versa. John says he likes me very much and he told me when we saw each other the first week that he was very happy that I picked him to date and he liked me alot and wanted to pursue this. John has told me he didn't think sweet people like me were still around.
John and I have been dating since New Years Day....almost 3 months now. I do worry that this may go no where with him. He does not want to practice medicine in PA.....he said its one of the worse states to practice in....so when his residency is done he will more then likely move. He is a very independent man, he just turned 40 years old and he has never been married. He was engaged once but his fiance cheated on him when she was pregnant with his daughter.....he said that messed him up for a long time....soooooo his idea of marriage may be ruined....who knows. I told him NOT all women are alike and he said I know.
I told him, I don't want people to put me in the same category as some other women. Many men told Jeff over the 8 year period that I was fighting for my marriage that I was a rare and genuine woman and he should be very proud that I was standing by his side. They said you have a keeper there and Jeff would always say.....Yes, Angela is very wonderful and understanding woman, she is a rare find.....yet I'm divorced.....go figure....lol
John has been cheated on and knows how it feels, I have been cheated on and know how that feels. I know what people want can change but I just don't know with him and that scares the hell out of me. I try to keep my heart at bay when it comes to him. I like him ALOT, I miss him when I'm not with him, I miss him when he goes on vacation, I get excited when I see his number come across my cell phone. I get excited to get a text from him. I'm very drawn to this man. We have not exchanged any "I love you's" or anything but I do feel, feelings developing.
I did ask John last week if he was looking for anyone else (he has been logging onto the site we met on), was he seeing anyone else, I told him I don't want to be someone's "good" time till someone better comes along. I told him I don't want to stay in a situation where I can develop feelings for someone just to be kicked to the curb when someone better comes along. I said I understand if I'm NOT what you are looking for, you just need to be honest with me. He assured me he was not looking for anyone else, I'm the only one that he has been seeing since day 1 we met....he said you are better then anything that I would have ever thought I could find on the site that we met on. He said babe, you are the only one.
So, where this will go I don't know....this past weekend I did get to spend most of the weekend with him....last Friday I was off and he had switched shifts with this guy so he could make his daughter's birthday party.....when John found out I was off....he said I wish I didn't take this shift cause I would LOVE be spending it with you....so he asked me to come over after he got off of work. Saturday night, he was "suppose" to go out with some other residents for dinner and drinks and he said what's your schedule like today and I said mine is clear, Jeff is with the kids and he said well, I don't want to be the one to ever take you away from your kids....I said they are with their dad....not a problem at all....he said cool cause I really want to spend the day/evening with you instead of going out with the other residents....so I had a WONDERFUL
weekend with him....it was the best time and I just enjoy and cherish every moment I get with him.
As far as Jeff and I.....we signed our papers, for the most part we are getting along but we really need our places. There is still stress here in the house. I have lost 20 lbs since the divorce. I'm now wearing a size 4 in pants because I have lost so much weight. I'm happy about that though.
I did find a place for my boys and I to live....it's a beautiful apartment located right between the school I work at and the school Matt attends. It's the largest apartment they have, it has a deck, an oversized 2 car garage, there is a pool as well, they have a 24 hour fitness center for the residents, free movie rentals, many things for kids to do. Because I work for the school and they are a preferred business for them, I don't have to pay application fees OR put down the security deposit....so it has all worked out well. The current renters will move out by the end of April and then we pick our keys on May 15th and we can move in that weekend =) the boys have seen it and they love it. It's so spacious, I can paint the rooms any colors I want. The have a service team that goes in there and cleans, paints and makes the apartment look like new before we move in....we all love it.....the boys and I can't wait to move in.
Well, that's my update....I will try and update in here more often.....sorry this was so long....didn't want people to think I have fallen off the face of the earth.