Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Life Is Full Of Hard Decisions & Pain

You know everytime you think things are going good for you then you just find yourself pissed off once again....

Lets back up here....OK....most people know I was seeing this very nice guy named Mike....I had mentioned that something started not feeling right. Him and I had such a strong connection with each other....well, I found out that he is married. He is in a very unhappy marriage and the feelings for me were getting stronger. Needless to say I'm NOT ok with seeing a married man...but during the time of seeing Mike I was talking to John but have not gone to the point of meeting him....Mike told me please don't wait on me cause I'm trying so hard to get my wife where I want her to be....trying to make this work due to the years....he said keep searching for that man that could be everything to you so he has done nothing but push me into a different direction so I took it.

So, in the meantime I kept talking to John and pursuing that...he is an ER Doctor still working through his residency, which he finsihes in May 2010....he is VERY SINGLE, romantic, loves to cook, passionate, compassionate, sweet, strong, funny, loves to snuggle, wants to spend as much time with me as he can, calls me whenever he gets the chance, sends me texts when he can...he is amazing and I had turned him down for so long but finally decided to meet him, been seeing him a little over a month now. He is so sweet and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him...last weekend I was with him on Saturday, stayed the night, came home Sunday evening...had a wonderful time with him! I will be seeing him this weekend as well...he said I will see you anytime you want, I know you have to balance spending time your kids & with spending time with me and I understand that...he told me he really enjoys the time we have together, he is NOT looking for anyone else as he is happy with that is fine and all, I like him a lot but the connection is not quite there that I had with Mike....I also know that connections aren't always there right away and they take time.'s my dilemma....I get this e-mail from Mike Monday morning saying this coming Friday 1/23 he is asking his wife for a divorce....NOT because of me but because he realizes that he is not happy in his marriage and hasn't been for a very long time. He is the type of guy that like me, enjoys being married, wants that committted relationship with someone and that someone he is hoping for would be me..he said if things don't work out with John, I hope you let me know and give me a chance....he said I know I created this whole mess....I told you I wanted you to look for someone else and try and find happiness that you deserve. I had such a connection with him but I told him that I have been seeing John for awhile and we have been exclusive to each other because we like each other so I owe this to myself and to John to pursue thing is what if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?

Then, here are home I still have Jeff pressuring me to sign the divorce papers. We are not getting along lately but for the most part we do get along. Things lately are all about Jeff and Jeff's needs and what he wants....I ask for NOTHING....last week I gave him several days notice and finally asked him if he could please be home with the kids Saturday night while I was away at John's and you want to know what I was told....Brandon and I have been seeing each other for 5 months...we are at the point we should be seeing more of each other NOT less....well, screw you MOFO! My oldest son ended up saying Mom, you go out and have fun, I will be here with the boys....he is almost 20. Can you believe that....then Jeff sends me a text on Sunday saying "what cover story did you tell the boys so I don't ruin your story" I said what do you mean cover story....I didn't lie to them....I told them exactly where I was and who I was with and they knew I was spending the night with him....I said you are the one that is gay....NOT relationship is what is normal to most people's standards....I said you are the one lying to YOUR kids, you are the one NOT being honest with who you are so don't expect me to lie to my kids because you chose that path of lying. John told me you did the right are not stupid...they know you are dating and they will respect the fact that you are telling them the truth and not lie now and tell the truth later they will wonder what else are you lying about and he is right! I came home on Sunday and the first thing my 12 year old asked was "How is John Mom?" I said "Fine" he said "did you have a nice time out with him" I said " I had a wonderful time" and he said "I'm glad you had a nice time mom" these kids have done nothing but see me cry for 8 long years....I bet its refreshing for them to see me happy and smiling for once. The kids seem happy and very much well adjusted to the thought of us divorcing (they don't know their dad is gay yet). I called them several times on Saturday and even called when I knew it was bedtime and said I love you and goodnight and made sure things were OK at home....Jeff, he NEVER calls....never calls to even say hey boys...just wanted to say goodnight and that I love you.....NEVER!

Anyway, sorry just had to vent....I would think going through a divorce and trying to get into the dating field I would have thought things would be pretty easy well nope as you read this you will see its not been easy....LOL...I'm so confused on what to do.

I really like John...the connection is not there but we are getting to know each other and I know the connection will end up being there in time...I feel amazing when I'm with him.

Mike, the connection is there right away but if we dated over time we may not like each other......UGH, this all just sucks. Sorry to burden you all with my issues...LOL
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Thursday, January 1, 2009

I'm Back

I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful New Years. Mine was just OK, did go down to my best friends house and hung out for awhile. Would have been much nicer to have that someone special in yoru life to ring in the New Year with.
I'm back to blogger and Wow where to start....if you read my "about me" section that should catch up but I will write here since I'm doing an entry anyway. Early November and as the Holidays were fast approaching my husband asked me for a divorce. My husband and I have had many problems for an 8 year period, been on the brink of divorce a few times. I'm not what my husband wants, needs or desires anymore.....sad but husband is gay....for me this has just been the ultimate hurt and pain that one can go through......losing my husband to a man...8 years ago he told me he was BI.....I was the fool for thinking that we could make this marriage work and I tried and I fought like hell to save my marriage losing myself in the process. I spent so much time and effort in making sure that HIS needs were being met that Angela's needs were NOT being met. Looking back....I have stayed in a very unhappy marriage for 8 years, fooling myself into thinking by allowing an open marriage on his side that he would still love and want me. We had been married for 14 years and together for a total of 16 years. So the past 8 weeks have been like a living hell for me we have had some horrible fights, said some horrible things to each other and for me Christmas Eve was a turning point for me....I don't know but Jeff and I have been getting along very well....we are more like friends now....the stress is gone and I guess I just came to realize through my many wonderful friends Emmi, Shelly, Anita, Jen and countless others that even though I'm admired for the efforts that I have put into this marriage to try and make it work that every person I know has said that I deserve so much more and that I deserve someone that will LOVE ME and WANT to be with me and WANT THE COMMITTED realtionship with me.
The question is.....will I ever love again?? I can't answer that...all I can say is my heart has been broken into a million tiny pieces over and over again. The pain I have had to endure in my marriage is more then most people go through I think.....I had all the normal stresses like everyone else but then add to that living with a man that has been trying to "figure" himself out....very hard to say the least.
I can say that a couple of new doors have opened for me....which one to take....I don't man that I have met seems sooooooo perfect and seems like such a catch that I just don't know....something lately just doesn't feel right to me.....we have had several dates, I enjoy every minute I have with him but in my heart something just doesn't seem right to me.
Then there is another man that was trying sooo hard to get me to come over to his place last night and just hang out...he knew I wasn't feeling well and he said you need to be over here, I want to take care of you and pamper you....this man is the most interesting person I have ever come across....he has lived his life with so much passion and he has only begun to live life...he has done more things in life already that some of us dream about...he said he has just been in the right place at the right time....he co-owns a plane with 10 other people....flying is his passion...he was a high school drop out and he worked his butt off to become a DOCTOR....yep you heard me right.....he is a Emergency Medicine Dr. he finishes his residency in May 2010...I did meet him the other night.....have been talking to him online for 2 months now....I came home and sent him a e-mail saying I had a wonderful time with you BUT you are so well rounded as a person and so well traveled and I'm just a simple person that is not as experienced with life as you are.....I said even though I had a wonderful time with you I can't help but feel that I'm way out of your could have anyone you want......this was his response back to me......
Angela, as you said earlier; I am a laid back person. Look at my car, I like life simple. May not appear to be it initially , but simple pleasures are what I seek. My ideal time is quiet simple pleasure. Even Alaska may seem exotic, but only the means are. I go there to simplify my perspective. In my life there are no leagues. You have much to offer me. A safe tender refuge is the greatest gift anyone can offer me. I am aware of the gifts you have to offer, more than you may realize. Hard to explain in text, but you are a precious gem to me.
I got this and I was like OMG, I can't believe someone like him would have any interest in someone like doors are opening for me BUT I will be very honest, I'm scared to death to let my guard down, to drop the wall around me, to give my heart to anyone ever again, I have had so much pain that I just don't know if I can do a relationship again. I fear being hurt all over again.
I will end this here.....just wanted everyone to know what was up with me.
Much Love and Hugs,