Life Is Full Of Hard Decisions & Pain

You know everytime you think things are going good for you then you just find yourself pissed off once again....

Lets back up here....OK....most people know I was seeing this very nice guy named Mike....I had mentioned that something started not feeling right. Him and I had such a strong connection with each other....well, I found out that he is married. He is in a very unhappy marriage and the feelings for me were getting stronger. Needless to say I'm NOT ok with seeing a married man...but during the time of seeing Mike I was talking to John but have not gone to the point of meeting him....Mike told me please don't wait on me cause I'm trying so hard to get my wife where I want her to be....trying to make this work due to the years....he said keep searching for that man that could be everything to you so he has done nothing but push me into a different direction so I took it.

So, in the meantime I kept talking to John and pursuing that...he is an ER Doctor still working through his residency, which he finsihes in May 2010....he is VERY SINGLE, romantic, loves to cook, passionate, compassionate, sweet, strong, funny, loves to snuggle, wants to spend as much time with me as he can, calls me whenever he gets the chance, sends me texts when he can...he is amazing and I had turned him down for so long but finally decided to meet him, been seeing him a little over a month now. He is so sweet and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him...last weekend I was with him on Saturday, stayed the night, came home Sunday evening...had a wonderful time with him! I will be seeing him this weekend as well...he said I will see you anytime you want, I know you have to balance spending time your kids & with spending time with me and I understand that...he told me he really enjoys the time we have together, he is NOT looking for anyone else as he is happy with us...ok...so that is fine and all, I like him a lot but the connection is not quite there that I had with Mike....I also know that connections aren't always there right away and they take time.

So...here's my dilemma....I get this e-mail from Mike Monday morning saying this coming Friday 1/23 he is asking his wife for a divorce....NOT because of me but because he realizes that he is not happy in his marriage and hasn't been for a very long time. He is the type of guy that like me, enjoys being married, wants that committted relationship with someone and that someone he is hoping for would be me..he said if things don't work out with John, I hope you let me know and give me a chance....he said I know I created this whole mess....I told you I wanted you to look for someone else and try and find happiness that you deserve. I had such a connection with him but I told him that I have been seeing John for awhile and we have been exclusive to each other because we like each other so I owe this to myself and to John to pursue it...my thing is what if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?

Then, here are home I still have Jeff pressuring me to sign the divorce papers. We are not getting along lately but for the most part we do get along. Things lately are all about Jeff and Jeff's needs and what he wants....I ask for NOTHING....last week I gave him several days notice and finally asked him if he could please be home with the kids Saturday night while I was away at John's and you want to know what I was told....Brandon and I have been seeing each other for 5 months...we are at the point we should be seeing more of each other NOT less....well, screw you MOFO! My oldest son ended up saying Mom, you go out and have fun, I will be here with the boys....he is almost 20. Can you believe that....then Jeff sends me a text on Sunday saying "what cover story did you tell the boys so I don't ruin your story" I said what do you mean cover story....I didn't lie to them....I told them exactly where I was and who I was with and they knew I was spending the night with him....I said you are the one that is gay....NOT me....my relationship is what is normal to most people's standards....I said you are the one lying to YOUR kids, you are the one NOT being honest with who you are so don't expect me to lie to my kids because you chose that path of lying. John told me you did the right thing....kids are not stupid...they know you are dating and they will respect the fact that you are telling them the truth and not lying...you lie now and tell the truth later they will wonder what else are you lying about and he is right! I came home on Sunday and the first thing my 12 year old asked was "How is John Mom?" I said "Fine" he said "did you have a nice time out with him" I said " I had a wonderful time" and he said "I'm glad you had a nice time mom" these kids have done nothing but see me cry for 8 long years....I bet its refreshing for them to see me happy and smiling for once. The kids seem happy and very much well adjusted to the thought of us divorcing (they don't know their dad is gay yet). I called them several times on Saturday and even called when I knew it was bedtime and said I love you and goodnight and made sure things were OK at home....Jeff, he NEVER calls....never calls to even say hey boys...just wanted to say goodnight and that I love you.....NEVER!

Anyway, sorry just had to vent....I would think going through a divorce and trying to get into the dating field I would have thought things would be pretty easy well nope as you read this you will see its not been easy....LOL...I'm so confused on what to do.

I really like John...the connection is not there but we are getting to know each other and I know the connection will end up being there in time...I feel amazing when I'm with him.

Mike, the connection is there right away but if we dated over time we may not like each other......UGH, this all just sucks. Sorry to burden you all with my issues...LOL

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