I'm Here & Doing Well - Will Try To Update More

Hey Everyone!!

Wow....ok....where to start, alot has happened since I last updated my blog, I now have high hopes if updating this on a fairly regualr basis and the updates may not be as long as the past ones.

Ok...to start I will let everyone know that I'm NO longer living with my ex husband....my sons and I moved last weekend into our apartment. I LOVE my apartment....don't get me wrong....I loved and do miss my big beautiful home =( but anymore it was just a structure....a home is filled with love and happiness and that house had none of that....we fought all the time, my poor kids had to see me cry all the time and that is not good. So, the move was OK....Jeff really upset me on Saturday...we started moving my stuff on Friday night BUT on Saturday he left for 6 hours to go and watch his boyfreind sing in some competition....that was ALOT of time lost when it comes to moving. So, when he came back guess who was with him....his boyfreind!!!!! Talk about rubbing salt in the wound!! I didn't want that MOFO there helping to move my stuff. Then Jeff was just a little ugly with me....we had to have the truck back at 6pm...Jeff was taking Brandon to dinner for helping....I was upset over that cause Jeff helped me for 2 days so I was going to take him to dinner....o-well, saved me money I guess...but what pissed me off was he didn't hook my washer & dryer, he didn't get my net working, he wasn't even going to hook up my TV!! He said you do it....you know I didn't even have to help with any of this crap but I'm here....I said yes, so much for telling me you would always be my best freind and be there for me no matter what....all lies, you can't even hook up my effin TV! I was mad....Brandon sat out on the truck cause that guy knew I was beyond pissed off.

Anyway, they left to return the truck, my friends Will & Jen came over at 11 pm the night I moved in and HE put my washer and stuff in place. He tried to figure out the net but couldn't get it working. Jeff came over Sunday and finsihed stuff, then took off.

OK....my love life....well, I'm NO longer seeing the doctor....I had reservations about him from the start and 4 months later just comfirmed that I was nothing more then a once a week booty call for him. Once his residency is over he will be leaving PA and moving on....he wants to travel the world and get back to a lifestyle that he loves and enjoys which is exploring the world...to me that is much more fun with someone then alone but o-well....I won't be used for sex....not now, not ever......he told me he doesn't want to settle down with anyone. From the time I stated seeing him he never stayed off the site where we met so he was always on there looking and that just upset me....if you are happy, why keep looking....I mean seriously....get real.

Anyway, I then changed my "Myspace" profile to say I was looking for Friends, Dating & Serious Relationships and wow I have had a lot of people contact me on there.....most that I'm not at all interested in but there was 1 that stuck out...he made first contact with me....like I do with everyone is read their profiles....I read his, he is a nascar fan, HUGE nascar fan but what caught my attention was a certain line on his profile and that was....most importantly I ALWAYS treat a lady like she should be treated. That caught my attention and we have talked since he first made contact with me. We started off just by e-mailing each other and then he gave me his number and said feel free to call or text me anytime...I have unlimited texting so we started texting each other....he doesn't go on the PC much at all so we have been texting and talking on the phone.

Anyway, we had our first date last night....we just went out to dinner...we sat there and talked the whole time, there was NEVER any awkward silence at all (like John & I use to have) it was nice to be around someone that I have so much in common with! After dinner he walked me to my car, we talked for a little bit and I said do you have anything else to do tonight and he was like no, not really so I asked him if he wanted to walk around the shopping plaza and he said yes, so we walked through some stores and stuff and then they all closed, we walked back to our cars and just stood there and talked some more...he then gave me a hug goodnight and we left.

I got home and sent him a text letting him know that I had a wonderful time with him, he sent me one back saying the same thing....he said I REALLY WANTED to kiss you goodnight but I didn't want to overstep any bounderies and I don't want you to feel I only want you for one thing cause that's not true....he was a total gentleman!

That just impresses me. Here is a little about him....He lives in Baltimore, Maryland, 40 yrs. old, loves Nascar and goes to many races a year, has 3 kids (20 & 3 yr. old son and a 16 yr. old daughter), does Karoke for charity as well as sometimes playing pool for charity. He is very much a do-gooder type person....says he always has a hard time saying no to people. He hates to see people hurting or crying. He is just a total sweetheart. He is VERY good with communicaton....he calls me a couple times a day, texts me throughout the day, everyday....if I send him a e-mail....get this...he answers back!! John ignored me most of the time...never would be answer a email or text....if he called me and I missed it, almost a guarantee that I would not get a return call back till the next day or days later....John was very frustrating. Rusty reminds me sooooo of Jeff when it comes to communication....in 16 years of being with Jeff there was never a day that went by that we didn't talk to each other in some form....whether it be email, text or a phone call/s.

So far I'm just taking things slow....I really wasn't looking for Rusty when he came into the picture.....I just changed my settings on Myspace and that was it. I didn't go onto the site where I met John cause I was like piss on it.....I'm busy, I'm moving, I have no time for this crap....I also didn't like the fact that I was being used for a once a week booty call with John....but even though I had reservations about John you never know till you date someone....but 4 months down the road and you are still only seeing me once a week.....yeah, OK, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out....o-well....he can go explore the world, he is extremely independent and very stubborn in his thinking and for that, John will end up being alone....thing is....he doesn't really care....he told me once before he is totally fine being alone for the rest of his life...he said don't get me wrong....I love the companionship but if I don't have it....I don't really care....well, not things to REALLY want to say around the woman you are dating! Jerk....LOL

Anyway, Rusty is a total sweetheart! Will keep this blog updated =)

Update On Me

Hello Everyone,

Long time since you all have heard from me....actually what prompted this was a very nice lady who left me a message wanting to know how things are going for me...so here is an update on me.

The Mike situation for now is over.....he is no longer talking to me because he wants more and I don't at this point. I feel bad because I feel as though he ruined his marriage for me. I know I should NOT feel that way because I didn't even know he was married in the beginning, he was seeing me quite a bit and then things started to seem funny when he was pushing me to see other people.....I questioned why was he doing this and then I found out the truth, that he was in a very unhappy marriage and was not sure what he wanted to do and he didn't want me waiting around for the possibility of nothing....so with him pushing me and pushing me I took his advice and finally went to meet John.

Well, it was with me meeting John that he finally decided weeks later what he wanted. He wanted me but he wants the whole package, the dating, the romace with it ending with marriage. I said I can't give you that....you are way rushing things here with me. I need time to just have fun and heal, I'm coming out of a 16 year relationship where my husband told me 8 years ago he was BI and that ending with honey, I'm gay and I want a divorce. My marriage was NOT an easy one but it was mine and I wanted to save it so I worked my freaking butt off to save something that was un-salvageable. At least I can say I tried my hardest, I was 100% faithful to him the whole time while I fought and fought to keep us together.

I told Mike, you can't come out of my realtionship and just walk right back into a marriage. I need time and time he would not give me.....he wanted an answer now. Here's the thing, he would tell me if I can't have you, then I want my wife.....OK, I said so you are settling then.....he is NOT at all happy, living in a sexless marriage, but because he can't have option A, then he will settle for option B all because he doesn't want to spend one night alone.....well, this is just divorce.....build a bridge and get over it....it happens, you could get divorced and be alone for 5 years before you find the right one.....so we have had some pretty heated e-mail arguments and it finally came down to him telling me that he could never be freinds with me because he will always want more and I can't give him that.

He is very jealous of John...doesn't like him at all and he doesn't know him.....he is upset because John doesn't call me everyday, John doesn't see me everyday or text me everyday.

Well, to be honest John is very busy.....he is working through his residency at the hospital and they keep some crazy hours....he thinks that is insane and that John isn't making the effort for the relationship and said I will more then likely get hurt.

John calls me when he can.....we average seeing each other once a week to "maybe" twice a week if scheduling permits. I'm the ONLY one John is seeing and vice versa. John says he likes me very much and he told me when we saw each other the first week that he was very happy that I picked him to date and he liked me alot and wanted to pursue this. John has told me he didn't think sweet people like me were still around.

John and I have been dating since New Years Day....almost 3 months now. I do worry that this may go no where with him. He does not want to practice medicine in PA.....he said its one of the worse states to practice in....so when his residency is done he will more then likely move. He is a very independent man, he just turned 40 years old and he has never been married. He was engaged once but his fiance cheated on him when she was pregnant with his daughter.....he said that messed him up for a long time....soooooo his idea of marriage may be ruined....who knows. I told him NOT all women are alike and he said I know.

I told him, I don't want people to put me in the same category as some other women. Many men told Jeff over the 8 year period that I was fighting for my marriage that I was a rare and genuine woman and he should be very proud that I was standing by his side. They said you have a keeper there and Jeff would always say.....Yes, Angela is very wonderful and understanding woman, she is a rare find.....yet I'm divorced.....go figure....lol

John has been cheated on and knows how it feels, I have been cheated on and know how that feels. I know what people want can change but I just don't know with him and that scares the hell out of me. I try to keep my heart at bay when it comes to him. I like him ALOT, I miss him when I'm not with him, I miss him when he goes on vacation, I get excited when I see his number come across my cell phone. I get excited to get a text from him. I'm very drawn to this man. We have not exchanged any "I love you's" or anything but I do feel, feelings developing.

I did ask John last week if he was looking for anyone else (he has been logging onto the site we met on), was he seeing anyone else, I told him I don't want to be someone's "good" time till someone better comes along. I told him I don't want to stay in a situation where I can develop feelings for someone just to be kicked to the curb when someone better comes along. I said I understand if I'm NOT what you are looking for, you just need to be honest with me. He assured me he was not looking for anyone else, I'm the only one that he has been seeing since day 1 we met....he said you are better then anything that I would have ever thought I could find on the site that we met on. He said babe, you are the only one.

So, where this will go I don't know....this past weekend I did get to spend most of the weekend with him....last Friday I was off and he had switched shifts with this guy so he could make his daughter's birthday party.....when John found out I was off....he said I wish I didn't take this shift cause I would LOVE be spending it with you....so he asked me to come over after he got off of work. Saturday night, he was "suppose" to go out with some other residents for dinner and drinks and he said what's your schedule like today and I said mine is clear, Jeff is with the kids and he said well, I don't want to be the one to ever take you away from your kids....I said they are with their dad....not a problem at all....he said cool cause I really want to spend the day/evening with you instead of going out with the other residents....so I had a WONDERFUL

weekend with him....it was the best time and I just enjoy and cherish every moment I get with him.

As far as Jeff and I.....we signed our papers, for the most part we are getting along but we really need our places. There is still stress here in the house. I have lost 20 lbs since the divorce. I'm now wearing a size 4 in pants because I have lost so much weight. I'm happy about that though.

I did find a place for my boys and I to live....it's a beautiful apartment located right between the school I work at and the school Matt attends. It's the largest apartment they have, it has a deck, an oversized 2 car garage, there is a pool as well, they have a 24 hour fitness center for the residents, free movie rentals, many things for kids to do. Because I work for the school and they are a preferred business for them, I don't have to pay application fees OR put down the security deposit....so it has all worked out well. The current renters will move out by the end of April and then we pick our keys on May 15th and we can move in that weekend =) the boys have seen it and they love it. It's so spacious, I can paint the rooms any colors I want. The have a service team that goes in there and cleans, paints and makes the apartment look like new before we move in....we all love it.....the boys and I can't wait to move in.

Well, that's my update....I will try and update in here more often.....sorry this was so long....didn't want people to think I have fallen off the face of the earth.

Life Is Full Of Hard Decisions & Pain

You know everytime you think things are going good for you then you just find yourself pissed off once again....

Lets back up here....OK....most people know I was seeing this very nice guy named Mike....I had mentioned that something started not feeling right. Him and I had such a strong connection with each other....well, I found out that he is married. He is in a very unhappy marriage and the feelings for me were getting stronger. Needless to say I'm NOT ok with seeing a married man...but during the time of seeing Mike I was talking to John but have not gone to the point of meeting him....Mike told me please don't wait on me cause I'm trying so hard to get my wife where I want her to be....trying to make this work due to the years....he said keep searching for that man that could be everything to you so he has done nothing but push me into a different direction so I took it.

So, in the meantime I kept talking to John and pursuing that...he is an ER Doctor still working through his residency, which he finsihes in May 2010....he is VERY SINGLE, romantic, loves to cook, passionate, compassionate, sweet, strong, funny, loves to snuggle, wants to spend as much time with me as he can, calls me whenever he gets the chance, sends me texts when he can...he is amazing and I had turned him down for so long but finally decided to meet him, been seeing him a little over a month now. He is so sweet and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him...last weekend I was with him on Saturday, stayed the night, came home Sunday evening...had a wonderful time with him! I will be seeing him this weekend as well...he said I will see you anytime you want, I know you have to balance spending time your kids & with spending time with me and I understand that...he told me he really enjoys the time we have together, he is NOT looking for anyone else as he is happy with us...ok...so that is fine and all, I like him a lot but the connection is not quite there that I had with Mike....I also know that connections aren't always there right away and they take time.

So...here's my dilemma....I get this e-mail from Mike Monday morning saying this coming Friday 1/23 he is asking his wife for a divorce....NOT because of me but because he realizes that he is not happy in his marriage and hasn't been for a very long time. He is the type of guy that like me, enjoys being married, wants that committted relationship with someone and that someone he is hoping for would be me..he said if things don't work out with John, I hope you let me know and give me a chance....he said I know I created this whole mess....I told you I wanted you to look for someone else and try and find happiness that you deserve. I had such a connection with him but I told him that I have been seeing John for awhile and we have been exclusive to each other because we like each other so I owe this to myself and to John to pursue it...my thing is what if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?

Then, here are home I still have Jeff pressuring me to sign the divorce papers. We are not getting along lately but for the most part we do get along. Things lately are all about Jeff and Jeff's needs and what he wants....I ask for NOTHING....last week I gave him several days notice and finally asked him if he could please be home with the kids Saturday night while I was away at John's and you want to know what I was told....Brandon and I have been seeing each other for 5 months...we are at the point we should be seeing more of each other NOT less....well, screw you MOFO! My oldest son ended up saying Mom, you go out and have fun, I will be here with the boys....he is almost 20. Can you believe that....then Jeff sends me a text on Sunday saying "what cover story did you tell the boys so I don't ruin your story" I said what do you mean cover story....I didn't lie to them....I told them exactly where I was and who I was with and they knew I was spending the night with him....I said you are the one that is gay....NOT me....my relationship is what is normal to most people's standards....I said you are the one lying to YOUR kids, you are the one NOT being honest with who you are so don't expect me to lie to my kids because you chose that path of lying. John told me you did the right thing....kids are not stupid...they know you are dating and they will respect the fact that you are telling them the truth and not lying...you lie now and tell the truth later they will wonder what else are you lying about and he is right! I came home on Sunday and the first thing my 12 year old asked was "How is John Mom?" I said "Fine" he said "did you have a nice time out with him" I said " I had a wonderful time" and he said "I'm glad you had a nice time mom" these kids have done nothing but see me cry for 8 long years....I bet its refreshing for them to see me happy and smiling for once. The kids seem happy and very much well adjusted to the thought of us divorcing (they don't know their dad is gay yet). I called them several times on Saturday and even called when I knew it was bedtime and said I love you and goodnight and made sure things were OK at home....Jeff, he NEVER calls....never calls to even say hey boys...just wanted to say goodnight and that I love you.....NEVER!

Anyway, sorry just had to vent....I would think going through a divorce and trying to get into the dating field I would have thought things would be pretty easy well nope as you read this you will see its not been easy....LOL...I'm so confused on what to do.

I really like John...the connection is not there but we are getting to know each other and I know the connection will end up being there in time...I feel amazing when I'm with him.

Mike, the connection is there right away but if we dated over time we may not like each other......UGH, this all just sucks. Sorry to burden you all with my issues...LOL

Here is a tag offer if you made it this far....you may have no more then 10 tags per person. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful night

I'm Back

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful New Years. Mine was just OK, did go down to my best friends house and hung out for awhile. Would have been much nicer to have that someone special in yoru life to ring in the New Year with.

I'm back to blogger and Wow where to start....if you read my "about me" section that should catch up but I will write here since I'm doing an entry anyway. Early November and as the Holidays were fast approaching my husband asked me for a divorce. My husband and I have had many problems for an 8 year period, been on the brink of divorce a few times. I'm not what my husband wants, needs or desires anymore.....sad but true....my husband is gay....for me this has just been the ultimate hurt and pain that one can go through......losing my husband to a man...8 years ago he told me he was BI.....I was the fool for thinking that we could make this marriage work and I tried and I fought like hell to save my marriage losing myself in the process. I spent so much time and effort in making sure that HIS needs were being met that Angela's needs were NOT being met. Looking back....I have stayed in a very unhappy marriage for 8 years, fooling myself into thinking by allowing an open marriage on his side that he would still love and want me. We had been married for 14 years and together for a total of 16 years. So the past 8 weeks have been like a living hell for me we have had some horrible fights, said some horrible things to each other and for me Christmas Eve was a turning point for me....I don't know but Jeff and I have been getting along very well....we are more like friends now....the stress is gone and I guess I just came to realize through my many wonderful friends Emmi, Shelly, Anita, Jen and countless others that even though I'm admired for the efforts that I have put into this marriage to try and make it work that every person I know has said that I deserve so much more and that I deserve someone that will LOVE ME and WANT to be with me and WANT THE COMMITTED realtionship with me.

The question is.....will I ever love again?? I can't answer that...all I can say is my heart has been broken into a million tiny pieces over and over again. The pain I have had to endure in my marriage is more then most people go through I think.....I had all the normal stresses like everyone else but then add to that living with a man that has been trying to "figure" himself out....very hard to say the least.

I can say that a couple of new doors have opened for me....which one to take....I don't know....one man that I have met seems sooooooo perfect and seems like such a catch that I just don't know....something lately just doesn't feel right to me.....we have had several dates, I enjoy every minute I have with him but in my heart something just doesn't seem right to me.

Then there is another man that was trying sooo hard to get me to come over to his place last night and just hang out...he knew I wasn't feeling well and he said you need to be over here, I want to take care of you and pamper you....this man is the most interesting person I have ever come across....he has lived his life with so much passion and he has only begun to live life...he has done more things in life already that some of us dream about...he said he has just been in the right place at the right time....he co-owns a plane with 10 other people....flying is his passion...he was a high school drop out and he worked his butt off to become a DOCTOR....yep you heard me right.....he is a Emergency Medicine Dr. he finishes his residency in May 2010...I did meet him the other night.....have been talking to him online for 2 months now....I came home and sent him a e-mail saying I had a wonderful time with you BUT you are so well rounded as a person and so well traveled and I'm just a simple person that is not as experienced with life as you are.....I said even though I had a wonderful time with you I can't help but feel that I'm way out of your league.....you could have anyone you want......this was his response back to me......

Angela, as you said earlier; I am a laid back person. Look at my car, I like life simple. May not appear to be it initially , but simple pleasures are what I seek. My ideal time is quiet simple pleasure. Even Alaska may seem exotic, but only the means are. I go there to simplify my perspective. In my life there are no leagues. You have much to offer me. A safe tender refuge is the greatest gift anyone can offer me. I am aware of the gifts you have to offer, more than you may realize. Hard to explain in text, but you are a precious gem to me.
John

I got this and I was like OMG, I can't believe someone like him would have any interest in someone like me....so doors are opening for me BUT I will be very honest, I'm scared to death to let my guard down, to drop the wall around me, to give my heart to anyone ever again, I have had so much pain that I just don't know if I can do a relationship again. I fear being hurt all over again.

I will end this here.....just wanted everyone to know what was up with me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE, HOPE 2009 IS GOOD TO YOU ALL

Much Love and Hugs,

Angela