Thursday, January 1, 2009

I'm Back

I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful New Years. Mine was just OK, did go down to my best friends house and hung out for awhile. Would have been much nicer to have that someone special in yoru life to ring in the New Year with.
I'm back to blogger and Wow where to start....if you read my "about me" section that should catch up but I will write here since I'm doing an entry anyway. Early November and as the Holidays were fast approaching my husband asked me for a divorce. My husband and I have had many problems for an 8 year period, been on the brink of divorce a few times. I'm not what my husband wants, needs or desires anymore.....sad but husband is gay....for me this has just been the ultimate hurt and pain that one can go through......losing my husband to a man...8 years ago he told me he was BI.....I was the fool for thinking that we could make this marriage work and I tried and I fought like hell to save my marriage losing myself in the process. I spent so much time and effort in making sure that HIS needs were being met that Angela's needs were NOT being met. Looking back....I have stayed in a very unhappy marriage for 8 years, fooling myself into thinking by allowing an open marriage on his side that he would still love and want me. We had been married for 14 years and together for a total of 16 years. So the past 8 weeks have been like a living hell for me we have had some horrible fights, said some horrible things to each other and for me Christmas Eve was a turning point for me....I don't know but Jeff and I have been getting along very well....we are more like friends now....the stress is gone and I guess I just came to realize through my many wonderful friends Emmi, Shelly, Anita, Jen and countless others that even though I'm admired for the efforts that I have put into this marriage to try and make it work that every person I know has said that I deserve so much more and that I deserve someone that will LOVE ME and WANT to be with me and WANT THE COMMITTED realtionship with me.
The question is.....will I ever love again?? I can't answer that...all I can say is my heart has been broken into a million tiny pieces over and over again. The pain I have had to endure in my marriage is more then most people go through I think.....I had all the normal stresses like everyone else but then add to that living with a man that has been trying to "figure" himself out....very hard to say the least.
I can say that a couple of new doors have opened for me....which one to take....I don't man that I have met seems sooooooo perfect and seems like such a catch that I just don't know....something lately just doesn't feel right to me.....we have had several dates, I enjoy every minute I have with him but in my heart something just doesn't seem right to me.
Then there is another man that was trying sooo hard to get me to come over to his place last night and just hang out...he knew I wasn't feeling well and he said you need to be over here, I want to take care of you and pamper you....this man is the most interesting person I have ever come across....he has lived his life with so much passion and he has only begun to live life...he has done more things in life already that some of us dream about...he said he has just been in the right place at the right time....he co-owns a plane with 10 other people....flying is his passion...he was a high school drop out and he worked his butt off to become a DOCTOR....yep you heard me right.....he is a Emergency Medicine Dr. he finishes his residency in May 2010...I did meet him the other night.....have been talking to him online for 2 months now....I came home and sent him a e-mail saying I had a wonderful time with you BUT you are so well rounded as a person and so well traveled and I'm just a simple person that is not as experienced with life as you are.....I said even though I had a wonderful time with you I can't help but feel that I'm way out of your could have anyone you want......this was his response back to me......
Angela, as you said earlier; I am a laid back person. Look at my car, I like life simple. May not appear to be it initially , but simple pleasures are what I seek. My ideal time is quiet simple pleasure. Even Alaska may seem exotic, but only the means are. I go there to simplify my perspective. In my life there are no leagues. You have much to offer me. A safe tender refuge is the greatest gift anyone can offer me. I am aware of the gifts you have to offer, more than you may realize. Hard to explain in text, but you are a precious gem to me.
I got this and I was like OMG, I can't believe someone like him would have any interest in someone like doors are opening for me BUT I will be very honest, I'm scared to death to let my guard down, to drop the wall around me, to give my heart to anyone ever again, I have had so much pain that I just don't know if I can do a relationship again. I fear being hurt all over again.
I will end this here.....just wanted everyone to know what was up with me.
Much Love and Hugs,


Miss Slick One said...

Well, my friend, you are free to date again. It looks like you'll be juggling dates just like you did back in the old days. Enjoy it. Don't settle yet. See who fits you best. If something "doesn't feel right", then by God, back away! Your maternal and natural woman instincts are kickin in!
You know I love you, and I wish the best for you and your boys :) I hope you all have a fun, safe, HEALTHY, "no-accidents" year!! LOL

Chris/cacklinrosie101 said...

Aw, sweetie, take it one day at a time and follow those instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. You will love again. Let yourself heal. You have all the time in the world now. Have fun dating and exploring. You do deserve total love and total commitment; nothing less. Love you and hope you have a wonderful 2009 even with all the changes. Big Hugs

Sandra said...

I just hope that with all you`ve been through, that the New Year will bring you much needed happiness and stability, for you and your children. Take care.

Love Sandra xxxx

Melissa said...

wow, u have been thru alot! good luck with the 2 new men in ur life, i hope 2009 will bring u all u deserve *hugs*

Emmi said...

I have always told you that you deserve so much better & I'm so happy to hear that your seeing that you do. Your such a special lady & anyone who doesn't see that is blind. If someone doesn't feel right to you then chances are they aren't/ Take your time ... enjoy getting to know who you are & what you really want in life. Many hugs to you my friend. May 2009 be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.

Maria-K. said...

Hi Angela, I was very often wondering about you and asking myself what you've been up to? Well, after reading your entry ( after such a long quiet time) I almost fell off my chair. I am sorry you've had such a difficult time and that you had to go through so much pain. It must be hard for your boys as well. But the best thing is to except the facts...and as you've said, you were able to do that. This is the first step in the right direction. Of course you are careful and cautious. You are not a fool. Take every day as it comes. You are a very smart person and you will figure out what is right for you and what's not. Follow your instinct. Believe in yourself and start enjoying life.
Your boys will appreciate it too. I am wishing you the best of deserve it! 2009 will be a special year for you. I am wishing you all the happiness in the world. Hugs, Maria

Dannelle said...

Girl, if your heart says something isn;t right, stop and find out why! We cannot have our Angela hurt again. You need to heal, enjoy the attention and pampering but go slow and you will know when it is right- Love and Happy Prospects to you for 2009-

D said...

awwww Happy New Year... go with the heart.. you know your gut will tell you if it's right or not. Move ahead in 2009 you deserve all good things

Ms.Emily said...

Hey Angela!!!

Thanks for the invite to your blog!!!

I look forward to following you over here some now too :)

I'm glad we have became friends

It really does help me to realise im not the only one...

Here's my blogger link


ADM DESIGN'S said...

You have been through a lot, take time to heal!

Happy New Year!
Hope 2009 is a year of full good thing, happiness and love for you and your family

Terri said...

You and I have already emailed about this before...I'm glad to see you are meeting new will eventually find the "One"...take it one day at a time girlfriend...

Wishing you all the best in 2009!


Joyce said...

I'm with Alvia. Don't rush. Take your time. Enjoy being you for a while. Date, but don't be exclusive and don't rush into anything. AND Angela, trust yourself. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
Hugs, Joyce

Linda said...

I hope that 2009 brings you and your boys lots of happiness and joy! I know things seem hard now but they will get better and you will love again. Linda

Heather said...

I have been meaning to stop by for a while. I've been worrying about you ever since you mentioned the divorce in Lila. I'm truly sorry that you have been going through all that you have been in the past eight years. My dad told my mother that he was gay after about 17+ years of marriage. She finally asked for a divorce after she came home from work one day to see a man coming out of the shower after having had a massage by my father in our home. It was devastating to her and it took her a good two years before she would stop saying "I hate men". She did go on to meet a wonderful man that she later married and has been very happy with him. I don't know that telling you this will help but I thought maybe it might just to know that you aren't alone. Just focus on yourself and take things slow. Don't rush yourself into anything, trust your heart.
xoxo, Heather

Carolina said...

Just stopping by to say hello, see how your doing and send lots of hugs and love your way!

Jeannette said...

I didn't have a clue that you'd been through so much Angela. In truly hope that things will get better for you and your boys. My heart goes out to you that you've had so much on your plate, you deserve much more than this. It's early days yet, take things one step at a time with anyone new. The doctor sounds nice but you're wise to listen to that inner voice. Any new relationship is going to seem strange after being with one man so long. Good luck for the future and a very happy new year to you and your family. Jeannette xx