Thursday, January 1, 2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful New Years. Mine was just OK, did go down to my best friends house and hung out for awhile. Would have been much nicer to have that someone special in yoru life to ring in the New Year with.
I'm back to blogger and Wow where to start....if you read my "about me" section that should catch up but I will write here since I'm doing an entry anyway. Early November and as the Holidays were fast approaching my husband asked me for a divorce. My husband and I have had many problems for an 8 year period, been on the brink of divorce a few times. I'm not what my husband wants, needs or desires anymore.....sad but true....my husband is gay....for me this has just been the ultimate hurt and pain that one can go through......losing my husband to a man...8 years ago he told me he was BI.....I was the fool for thinking that we could make this marriage work and I tried and I fought like hell to save my marriage losing myself in the process. I spent so much time and effort in making sure that HIS needs were being met that Angela's needs were NOT being met. Looking back....I have stayed in a very unhappy marriage for 8 years, fooling myself into thinking by allowing an open marriage on his side that he would still love and want me. We had been married for 14 years and together for a total of 16 years. So the past 8 weeks have been like a living hell for me we have had some horrible fights, said some horrible things to each other and for me Christmas Eve was a turning point for me....I don't know but Jeff and I have been getting along very well....we are more like friends now....the stress is gone and I guess I just came to realize through my many wonderful friends Emmi, Shelly, Anita, Jen and countless others that even though I'm admired for the efforts that I have put into this marriage to try and make it work that every person I know has said that I deserve so much more and that I deserve someone that will LOVE ME and WANT to be with me and WANT THE COMMITTED realtionship with me.
The question is.....will I ever love again?? I can't answer that...all I can say is my heart has been broken into a million tiny pieces over and over again. The pain I have had to endure in my marriage is more then most people go through I think.....I had all the normal stresses like everyone else but then add to that living with a man that has been trying to "figure" himself out....very hard to say the least.
I can say that a couple of new doors have opened for me....which one to take....I don't know....one man that I have met seems sooooooo perfect and seems like such a catch that I just don't know....something lately just doesn't feel right to me.....we have had several dates, I enjoy every minute I have with him but in my heart something just doesn't seem right to me.
Then there is another man that was trying sooo hard to get me to come over to his place last night and just hang out...he knew I wasn't feeling well and he said you need to be over here, I want to take care of you and pamper you....this man is the most interesting person I have ever come across....he has lived his life with so much passion and he has only begun to live life...he has done more things in life already that some of us dream about...he said he has just been in the right place at the right time....he co-owns a plane with 10 other people....flying is his passion...he was a high school drop out and he worked his butt off to become a DOCTOR....yep you heard me right.....he is a Emergency Medicine Dr. he finishes his residency in May 2010...I did meet him the other night.....have been talking to him online for 2 months now....I came home and sent him a e-mail saying I had a wonderful time with you BUT you are so well rounded as a person and so well traveled and I'm just a simple person that is not as experienced with life as you are.....I said even though I had a wonderful time with you I can't help but feel that I'm way out of your league.....you could have anyone you want......this was his response back to me......
Angela, as you said earlier; I am a laid back person. Look at my car, I like life simple. May not appear to be it initially , but simple pleasures are what I seek. My ideal time is quiet simple pleasure. Even Alaska may seem exotic, but only the means are. I go there to simplify my perspective. In my life there are no leagues. You have much to offer me. A safe tender refuge is the greatest gift anyone can offer me. I am aware of the gifts you have to offer, more than you may realize. Hard to explain in text, but you are a precious gem to me.
I got this and I was like OMG, I can't believe someone like him would have any interest in someone like me....so doors are opening for me BUT I will be very honest, I'm scared to death to let my guard down, to drop the wall around me, to give my heart to anyone ever again, I have had so much pain that I just don't know if I can do a relationship again. I fear being hurt all over again.
I will end this here.....just wanted everyone to know what was up with me.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE, HOPE 2009 IS GOOD TO YOU ALL
Much Love and Hugs,